Power of a Pause

Parenting Through Perspective: Finding the Power in the Pause

This blog builds on my previous reflections about parenting through judgment—both the judgment we feel from others, and the judgment we often place on ourselves. Today, I want to explore something that’s been sitting with me a lot lately: perspective. And more importantly, how it can slip through our fingers when we need it most.

As anyone who read my mothers day article will know, I had done all the work of managing my expectations, reminding myself to just aim for a normal, no-pressure kind of day. But despite that, I still ended up doing laps in the car to calm down, trying to make peace with the gap between what I had hoped for and what had actually happened. I know I’m not alone in this.

We talk so much about resilience, about supporting our children through the ups and downs of life. But what about us? What happens when we are tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated, frustrated? When I’m disregulated, perspective is the first thing I lose. Small things become massive, everyday challenges feel impossible, and frustrations spiral into what I call ‘EastEnders drama’ level events. I’ve always been aware of this, but I’m now trying to become more mindful of it in the moment.

This journey is made even more relevant by my daughter—who, like me, is incredibly sensitive to her own emotional state. As I support her in learning self-regulation and understanding her reactions, I’m realising how much I still have to learn myself.

Reframing Through Perspective

One of the tools I’ve been trying to implement is a simple twist on the classic advice: “Take a deep breath and count to ten.” I now follow this with things like: “How much will this matter in a week? A month? A year?” or “is this really the end of the world?”

Another favourite tool is help with this is Stephen Covey’s Circle of Control. It’s a brilliant visual reminder that some things we can control (our own behaviour), some we can influence (other people’s actions), and some we can’t do anything about (the weather, the traffic, the way others parent). The key is to stop spending emotional energy on what lies outside the circle, and refocus on what’s inside it.

Take traffic, for example. With the bank holiday weekend ahead, I know we’ll probably get stuck in queues along the coast road. I can’t control that. But I can control when we leave, what snacks we pack, and whether we play our family-favourite “Home or Holiday” car game (you spot a car and guess whether it’s going home or off on holiday and then as you drive past it, confirm whether you where right or wrong based on the luggage situation!).

It sounds small, but reframing gives me back some power. It lets me shift from stress into problem-solving—and eventually, perspective.

But What About When That’s Not Enough?

Let’s be honest: sometimes, the bridge between disregulation and logic completely disappears. For me, tiredness is often the thief of perspective—it clouds my thinking and makes reflection feel out of reach. That’s where the pause becomes essential.

I’ve learned that I often need to pause before I can process. I used to feel like this was a failure—that as a parent, I should always be able to regulate and respond calmly. But the truth is, that expectation was never realistic. Not for me, and probably not for you either. Sometimes the best thing I can do is recognise that I will be a better parent after some self care, which will enable me to regulate myself and get the perspective I need.

Let me share a recent example.

My daughter has an attachment disorder. It means she often struggles to trust the emotional safety of relationships. That fear of rejection can make our days emotionally intense, with me as the emotional punchbag. Recently, we had one of those days—nothing went right, and by the time we got home, I knew I had nothing left. I told her: “I love you, I want to help, but I need 20 minutes to myself.”

She was safe. My husband was with her. And she needed the pause as much as I did.

I went to my room, drank a cup of tea, and sat quietly. That short break gave me the time and emotional space to reset. When I came back, we could talk. I could explain how I’d felt, and we could reflect—together—on what had happened. Did it fix everything? Of course not. But it gave us both something more valuable: understanding.

Making the Pause Part of Our Family Culture

I want to make “the pause” a family tool—something we can all request when needed. A time-out that’s not about punishment, but about regulation. About knowing when we’re not able to reflect or respond or support, and giving ourselves the grace to wait until we are.

Because parenting isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about learning, adapting, and growing—just like our children. It’s about stepping back to regain perspective, even if that means taking 20 minutes with a cup of tea while the world continues on outside your bedroom door.

So if you’ve ever felt like you should be able to do it all—remember: sometimes the bravest thing you can do is pause.

And from that pause, the perspective you need might just return.